Angela (00:51.768)
Hello, my friend. Welcome back to another episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. You know, I love talking about the parts of recovery that go far beyond simply not drinking. Sobriety is quitting drinking, recovery is healing. And healing means we have to look at the patterns that keep us overwhelmed, resentful, angry, and whatever else makes you feel like you want to drink.People pleasing is one of those patterns.

People pleasing sounds so harmless, doesn’t it? Like you’re just a really nice person. You’re thoughtful, you’re accommodating, you’re easygoing, you care about other people’s feelings, you don’t want to disappoint anyone, you don’t like conflict. I mean, what’s wrong with that? Well, potentially a lot, actually. Because people pleasing isn’t the same thing as being kind. And sometimes what looks like kindness on the outside.

Is actually fear, avoidance, dishonesty, resentment, and an unwillingness to tolerate discomfort. I know that’s not a warm and fuzzy definition because people pleasers love to act like they’re the victim. Well, I’m just so nice. I just want everybody to be happy, but you’re not the victim.

And we’re not here to make ourselves feel better about our bullshit, right? We’re here to recognize it so we can actually change it. And I want to start with something that’s gonna become the foundation for this entire conversation. You might say, I have to say yes because they’ll be upset. But no, you choose to say yes because you don’t want to tolerate the discomfort of them being upset.

Angela (02:46.52)
Those are two very different things. The first one makes you powerless, right? They’ll be upset, so I have no choice. But you do have a choice. You just don’t like how one of the choices feels. And that’s what we’re going to talk about today, because people pleasing is costing you a lot more than you think. So today I want to show you what is actually happening underneath all that nicen. I want to connect it directly to recovery.

And then I’m gonna give you a two-week experiment that will help you break that automatic yes, along with a simple formula for declining invitations and requests without being rude, dramatic, or weird. Because you can say no without turning it into a federal case.

Angela (03:37.548)
Before we go any further, I wanna lay out the difference between

Angela (03:46.986)
Before we go any further, I want to lay out the different ways people pleasing can show up. So you’ll know if you do this or not, right? For some people, it’s super obvious. But there are some sneaky ways it shows up too. You may hear people pleaser and think of somebody who’s constantly running around doing everything for everyone. And yes, that can absolutely be part of it. But people pleasing can be much quieter than that, also. Maybe you

automatically say yes before you even think about whether you want to do something. Your friend asks to help them move and you’re like, sure. Your sister needs somebody to watch the kids. Sure.

Angela (04:30.434)
Your sister needs somebody to watch the kids. Sure. Your boss asks if you can take on another project. Sure. Someone invites you to dinner Saturday. Sounds great. And then five minutes later, you’re thinking, why the fuck did I agree to that? Now you’re anxious, you’re irritated, you’re trying to figure out how you’re gonna fit it into your schedule. And eventually you’re resentful because everybody always wants something from you. Or maybe you’re constantly giving away your free time.

Like you work all week, you’re exhausted, you’ve got kids and parents and responsibilities and recovery and appointments and errands and laundry and groceries and life, right? And Saturday is the only day you have nothing schedule. And somebody texts you and says, Do you want to get together Saturday? And you don’t. Well, you kind of do because you like that person and you’d love to catch up and see them, but you desperately want one day at home.

Then you think, they’re gonna be disappointed. So you say yes. Maybe you go to birthdays you don’t want to attend, family events, vacations you can’t afford, girls’ weekends, weddings, dinners, social events. You don’t wanna go, you’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, but somebody might be disappointed if you don’t show up. So you go.

People pleasing can also look like allowing other people to make all the decisions like where you go on vacation, how you spend your birthday, what you do for holidays, where you live, who you date, how you spend your money, what career you choose. And sometimes even smaller than that, where do you want to eat? I don’t care. What movie do you want to see? Whatever you want. Do you want to go here? Sure. Does this work for you? Yeah, totally. Except it doesn’t.

You’re not totally okay with it. You just don’t want to say that. People please think

Angela (06:28.718)
People pleasing also looks like avoiding tiny conflicts until they become enormous problems. Your partner does something that bothers you, but you don’t say anything. Your friend hurts your feelings, you say nothing. Someone repeatedly crosses a line, you say nothing. You disagree with something somebody says, but you nod along because disagreement makes you uncomfortable. And eventually you feel irritated with whoever it is.

You’re withdrawing, you’re resentful, or you explode over some tiny thing, but it wasn’t actually about the tiny thing. It was about the previous 37 things you never said anything about.

Angela (07:16.534)
Maybe you change depending on who’s in the room. You agree with opinions you don’t actually agree with. You laugh at things you don’t think are funny. You pretend you like activities that you don’t. You hide pieces of yourself because belonging feels safer than being different. Maybe you apologize constantly. Sorry to bother you. Sorry I can’t. Sorry I need something. Sorry I’m upset. Sorry I disagree. Sorry I have a preference. Sorry I exist. And one of the biggest ones.

You take responsibility for everybody else’s emotional reactions. If I say no, she’ll be disappointed. If I don’t go, he’ll be mad. If I tell mom we’re not coming for Christmas, she’ll be hurt.

Angela (09:15.38)
Maybe you apologize constantly. Sorry to bother you. Sorry I can’t. Sorry, I need something. Sorry, I’m upset. Sorry I disagree. Sorry I have a preference. Sorry I exist. And one of the biggest ones, you take responsibility for everybody else’s emotional reactions. If I say no, she’ll be disappointed. If I don’t go, he’ll be mad. If I tell mom we’re not coming for Christmas, she’ll be hurt.

And somewhere along the way you’ve decided I have to prevent that feeling. But no, you don’t. People are allowed to have feelings. And someone’s feelings are their responsibility to manage. It’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings for them. If they’re an adult, let them be a fucking adult, handle their own fucking feelings.

Let’s all put our big girl panties on here and handle our own feelings. Stop trying to push your shit on someone else, right? Their feelings are theirs to manage. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. And before we keep going, I want to make a quick distinction too between people pleasing and codependency, because there can be a lot of overlap there. People pleasing is primarily a pattern.

Of prioritizing other people’s approval, wants, or emotional comfort over your own. Codependency tends to be a larger relationship dynamic. That’s where you can start feeling responsible for another person’s life, their choices, problems, consequences, emotions, sobriety, or functioning, right? Like you’re always fixing, rescuing, managing, over functioning, trying to control outcomes.

comes, like your sense of identity or value may become wrapped up in being needed. A codependent person may absolutely be a people pleaser, but somebody can people please without necessarily having a codependent relationship. Either way, the work eventually comes back to the same place. What belongs to me? What belongs to you? And am I willing to take responsibility for my side of the street?

Angela (11:41.644)
Now, before you think that I’m sitting over here going, well, I don’t have this problem. Listen, I’ve plenty of my own bullshit. I assure you. Plenty. I am a full-time job. People pleasing just isn’t one of mine. And that’s not because I’m more evolved or because I’ve been sober a hundred years. It’s that my experiences and my trauma taught me a different way of protecting myself.

Some people learn very early. Keep everybody happy and you’ll be safe. Don’t upset mom. Don’t make dad angry. Be easy. Be helpful. Don’t need too much. Don’t cause problems. Pay attention to everybody else’s mood. If everybody around me is okay, I’m okay. Maybe love or attention felt conditional. Maybe conflict in your house was scary. Maybe you had a parent whose mood.

Controlled the entire household. Maybe being helpful got you praise. Maybe you learned that having needs created problems, and people pleasing became a survival strategy. Other people go the opposite direction. We become fiercely independent, sometimes hyper-independent. We learn, I’ll take care of myself, I’ll protect myself, I won’t depend on anybody, nobody gets to control me.

Different strategy, same basic human instinct. How do I keep myself safe?

Angela (13:16.684)
So I don’t want you judging yourself for people pleasing. I’m asking you to recognize that the strategy that may have protected you at one point in your life might be the thing fucking up your life today. Because you’re not that powerless kid anymore. And this is where personal responsibility enters the conversation. At some point, we have to stop saying, well, that’s just how I am. No, that’s how you’ve been.

you can learn something different. So why do we keep doing it? Because the thing you’re afraid of isn’t really doing the same

Because the thing you’re afraid of isn’t really doing the thing you say yes to. What you’re afraid of is the judgment. What will they think of me if I say no? Will they think I’m selfish? Will they be disappointed? Will they stop talking to me? Will they stop liking me? Will they stop inviting me? Will they still want to be my friend? That’s the real fear. If I disappoint you, you may think differently about me.

If you think differently about me, you may not like me. And if you don’t like me, I could lose the relationship. So people pleasing becomes reputation management. You’re trying to control the version of you that exists in someone else’s mind. You need them to see you as helpful, generous, easygoing, dependable, selfless, strong, and always available.

Saying no threatens that identity. And you’re not trying to control people in some malicious, evil mastermind way, right? You’re trying to control their reaction. You want to make sure they aren’t disappointed. You want to prevent anger. You want to avoid conflict. You want to guarantee approval. You want to protect yourself from the discomfort of being misunderstood.

Angela (15:24.578)
But you can’t control what another person thinks of you. You can’t guarantee that everyone will understand you. You can’t prevent every disappointed reaction. And trying to manage all that will consume your life. The automatic yes gives you immediate relief. You don’t have to feel uncomfortable in that moment. You don’t have to pause while the other person reacts.

You don’t have to explain that you need rest or that you that you simply don’t want to do it, whatever it is. But look at the trade you’re making. You’re agreeing to do something you don’t want to do later. So you don’t have to feel uncomfortable right now. That’s avoidance. And people with addiction know a little something about chasing immediate relief and instant gratification. We’re like perpetual toddlers in that way.

There’s another part of people pleasing that we have to talk about too, and that’s the invisible contract. There are unspoken expectations that sound something like this. Like, and let me remind you, one of my favorite sayings expectations are premeditated resentments. So here’s what the expectations sound like in your head. You’re like, I did all of this for you, so you should appreciate me.

I always show up for you, so you should show up for me exactly the way I want. I sacrificed my time, so you should recognize how exhausted I am without making me say it. I never tell you no, so you should never tell me no. The problem is that the other person never agreed to that contract. They didn’t know your yes came with an invoice. They didn’t know they were supposed to read your mind.

Calculate the cost of your sacrifice and repay you in exactly the right emotional currency. You don’t tell people what you want, you don’t communicate your limits, you insist everything is fine, you keep score privately, then you become angry that nobody seems to notice how much you do. Eventually, you withdraw or you complain or you explode after months of telling everyone you’re fine.

Angela (17:48.704)
And the people around you are confused because the version of you that they’ve been interacting with kept saying yes. Hosting the family event isn’t generous if you resent everyone for attending the event you agreed to host. Kindness is freely chosen. Generosity feels clean. You give because you want to give.

Purchasing approval or creating a debt the other person doesn’t know they owe.

And here’s another part of this that might make you uncomfortable. People pleasing isn’t always kindness. Sometimes it’s dishonesty. Not malicious dishonesty, but dishonesty nonetheless. Your friend asks, Do you want to come over to dinner tonight? You don’t, but you say yes. Why? Because you don’t want them to be disappointed. Okay, your friend didn’t force you to go to dinner. You weren’t honest.

Now you’re sitting at dinner irritated because you didn’t want to be there. Who’s responsible for that? You are. Or somebody asks, Are you okay with this? You’re not, but you say, yeah, totally fine. And then you’re upset that they didn’t somehow figure out that you’re not fine. How? You told them you were. If every time I ask you for something, you say yes, why would I assume you mean no?

If I ask whether you’re okay and you tell me you’re fine, how am I supposed to know you’re secretly pissed? And this is where people pleasing starts damaging relationships because other people are making decisions based on what you’re telling them. And I’ve experienced this personally too.

Angela (19:38.592)
I was in a relationship with someone who was a chronic people pleaser and over time I

Angela (19:47.954)
And over time, I realized that I didn’t actually know this person in the way I thought I did. I had listened to what he told me. I trusted that the things he said he wanted were actually what he wanted. And I made big decisions about my life based on that information. I turned my life upside down for that relationship. Then slowly the words and the behavior stopped matching. I started realizing.

That some of what he told me about himself, things I thought were real compatibility. Things I thought were real compatibility.

Angela (20:33.302)
I started realizing that some of what he told me about himself, things I thought were real compatibility, weren’t necessarily true. It was people pleasing. He said what he thought he needed to say. He did what he thought he needed to do. He presented himself in a way that created the relationship. And none of it was consciously malicious. He’s a wonderful person.

It wasn’t conscious. I don’t believe there was some evil master plan, but I still didn’t have it, but I still didn’t have accurate information. And that felt incredibly deceptive to me. It felt like a bait and switch. Suddenly I’m looking at the person I love thinking, who are you? What is the actual truth? What do you actually want? What do you actually believe? When you tell me you want something, do you really want it? Or are you saying what you think I want to hear?

And once I couldn’t answer those questions, I couldn’t trust the relationship.

Because trust isn’t just about cheating or big lies, right? Trust is believing that the person standing in front of you is accurately representing who they are. I need to be able to trust you, trust your words. Otherwise, I don’t have a relationship with you. I have a relationship with the version of yourself you’ve created to keep me happy. And that’s not intimacy, that’s performance.

And here’s the irony. Most of us want to make the people we love happy. I know I do for sure. I love to make my people happy. If you’re my friend, my family member, my boyfriend, I want to know what you like. I want to know your favorite things, your favorite restaurants, what you hate, what makes you uncomfortable, what makes you feel loved, what pisses you off. I need that information because that’s part of loving you.

Angela (22:35.128)
But you have to give it to me. If every conversation is, where do you want to eat? I don’t care. Mexican or Italian, whatever you want. Do you want to go here? Sure. Are you okay watching the baseball game at a bar? Yeah, I’m good. Come on, you’ve been alive for 40 fucking years. You have preferences. I’m not dumb. Maybe you love baseball. Maybe you’d rather chew your arm off than watch nine innings. Maybe bars make you uncomfortable.

Maybe you love loud restaurants. Maybe you hate them. Maybe it makes you crazy when people are late. Maybe unanswered texts bother you. Maybe you need a lot of communication. Maybe you need a lot of space. I need to know. Because if I love you, I want the opportunity to accommodate you. Maybe I suggest watching the game at a bar and you say, honestly, bars make me a little uncomfortable. Great. Thank you for telling me. We can watch the exact same baseball game somewhere else.

And still eat food. That’s not a crisis. But I can’t accommodate a need you’ve hidden from me. I can’t respect a preference you refuse to express. And I can’t honor a boundary you’ve never communicated. Your preferences aren’t burdens, they’re information. You’re teaching me how to love you.

And if you continually tell me whatever you want is fine while secretly keeping score all the times we did what I wanted, eventually you’re probably gonna become resentful. And I’m gonna be standing there thinking, what the fuck happened? You told me you were fine. You said you didn’t care, you told me you wanted to go. And now I’m somehow the asshole because I believed you. Right? Like that’s why those relationships feel unstable.

I don’t know whether your yes means yes. I don’t know whether I’m fine means you’re fine. I don’t know where the landmines are. And personally, I retreat from relationships like that. Not because I require everybody to want what I want, the exact opposite. I need you to want what you want. I need your truth because your truth gives us something real to work with.

Angela (24:47.064)
Healthy relationships aren’t two people who always want the same thing. They’re two people who can tell the truth about what they want and figure out what to do from there. I can’t love your performance. I can’t know somebody who refuses to let themselves be known.

Angela (25:08.044)
And when you hide everything.

And when you hide everything you want because you’re trying so hard to make me happy, there’s a painful irony there. You’re actually making it impossible for me to know how to make you happy.

You might be sitting here thinking, okay, Angela, I understand why this is a relationship problem. What the fuck does this have to do with addiction? Well, everything. You know, I always tell you addiction needs three things to thrive. It needs you to feel alone, it needs you to feel isolated, and it needs you to feel bad about yourself. People pleasing creates every one of those conditions.

Angela (25:58.582)
Here’s how the cycle works. You say yes because you’re afraid of judgment. Then you spread yourself too thin. You’re overscheduled, overcommitted, exhausted, overwhelmed. You start resenting the people you love because it feels like they want too much from you. Then you resent yourself because you know you didn’t want to say yes. You know you’re the one who didn’t speak up. You know you keep doing this and you feel powerless to stop. So you start to retreat a little bit.

Angela (26:28.054)
You don’t want to admit you’re struggling because you’ve worked very hard to make everyone believe you’re okay. You’re the strong one, the capable one. You’re the one everybody calls. Strong people don’t get overwhelmed. Strong people don’t need help. At least that’s what you’re, at least that’s the story you’re trying to maintain. So you don’t tell anybody the truth. You pull away. You isolate. And because nobody knows what’s really happening inside of you, you feel completely alone.

Alone, isolated, feeling bad about yourself. That’s exactly the environment addiction needs. And here’s the terrible irony: people pleasing creates the loneliness that it claims to prevent. You keep saying yes because you’re terrified people won’t like you, but nobody can truly know you because you’re constantly performing. They know the agreeable version, the endlessly capable version, the version who’s always fine.

They don’t know what you actually want. They don’t know what you dislike. They don’t know when you’re hurting. They don’t know how to support you because you’ve made it your full-time job to convince them you don’t need support. That isn’t content.

That isn’t connection. Again, that’s performance. And recovery requires honesty. It requires you to stop managing the room long enough to tell the truth about what’s happening inside of you.

Now let’s address the objection I know is already flying around in your head. But, Angela, people really will get upset if I start saying no. Okay. Then those are their feelings to deal with. People are allowed to be upset. They’re allowed to feel disappointed. They’re allowed to be surprised or irritated or confused or inconvenienced. But just because someone has feelings doesn’t make it your responsibility to fix them.

Angela (28:27.394)
This is one of the most important things you can learn in recovery and in life. Another person’s disappointment is not proof that you did something wrong. Sometimes disappointment is simply what happens when another person doesn’t get what they want. And the only people who will get upset about your boundaries are the people who benefit from you not having any. Of course, they may push back. The old arrangement worked beautifully for them.

You were always available. You always volunteered. You absorbed all the inconvenience. You made their lives easier. When you change the arrangement, the relationship has to adjust. That reaction gives you information, by the way. It doesn’t automatically give you an assignment that you need to fix their feelings. But you are allowed to say no because you don’t want to do something. I know it sounds revolutionary.

But here’s what I want you to do. For the next two weeks, say no to everything optional. No matter what it is, default answer is no. And to be clear, I’m not telling you to stop feeding your children, abandon your job, ignore your responsibilities, become a menace to society. I’m talking about optional invitations, extra favors, committees, social events, trips, hosting, all the unnecessary commitments.

For two weeks, stop automatically volunteering your time and energy. Why two weeks? Because you need enough repetition to get comfortable saying no. You need to practice all the different ways to decline. You need to experience another person’s momentary disappointment without collapsing into guilt and reversing your answer. But more importantly, you need to experience how good it feels to have that time to yourself.

When you stop saying yes automatically, you finally get to see what you really think. Do I actually enjoy this person? Do I want this responsibility or do I want the praise that comes with being the one who handles everything? Do I even like this activity? You may also discover that you’ve spent years participating in things you don’t enjoy because you were afraid to let anyone have an opinion.

Angela (30:55.66)
You may also discover that you’ve spent years participating in things you don’t enjoy because you’re afraid to let anyone have an opinion about you. At the end of the two weeks, you don’t have to keep saying no to everything. The goal isn’t to become cold, selfish, or permanently unavailable. The goal is to interrupt the reflex long enough to create a conscious choice. Once no becomes available, then you have a choice.

And when you say yes, that means something.

And I want to give you the formula I teach for declining invitations and requests without feeling terrible or making the other person feel terrible. It has three parts. Gratitude, decline, and when it’s honest, open the door for the future, right? First, always start with thank you. The more sentences you lead with gratitude, the more you win in life. You can say, thank you so much for thinking of me.

Or, I really appreciate the offer. Or, wow, I love that you’re doing that. Then decline clearly. Unfortunately, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to make that work right now. Or my plate is very full right now and I cannot take on another thing. Notice what’s not included here. There’s no five-minute defense.

Your full calendar, every private detail of your life, and six apologies. Be warm, be clear, then stop talking. If you genuinely want to be included next time, keep the door open and end it with: please let me know next time, or don’t forget about me next time, I’d love to know when you’re doing it again. So the full response.

Angela (32:50.52)
Will sound something like this. my gosh, thank you so much for thinking of me. I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, my world is crazy busy right now. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to squeeze that in. But don’t forget about me next time. I’d love to know when you’re doing it again. Warm, appreciative, decisive. But this part matters. Only say, please invite me next time when you genuinely want another invitation.

If you never want to serve on that committee, host that event, or participate in that particular activity, leave the last part off. Just say, thank you so much for thinking of me. I really appreciate the offer. My plate is super full right now. There’s I can’t take on another thing. That’s it. No fake enthusiasm, no promise of a future. Yes, when you already know you don’t want it next time. Otherwise, you’re right back to performing instead of being honest.

Angela (33:46.06)
I want you to hear this clearly. Protecting your peace is your responsibility. Nobody else is going to study your calendar, calculate your emotional capacity, anticipate your needs, and build the perfect boundary around you. Them asking you to do things is not the problem. Your inability to answer honestly is the problem. I love protecting myself. I love prioritizing myself. I love teaching people how to treat me. I love to love me.

That’s not selfish. That’s self-responsibility. When I protect my time and energy, I can show up honestly for the things I choose. I don’t have to quietly resent people. I don’t have to keep score. I don’t have to pretend I’m fine while I’m coming apart internally and feeling pissed off all the time. That’s what healthy boundaries make possible. They don’t destroy genuine relationships, they create honest ones.

You can be loving without abandoning yourself. You can be generous without selling your peace. You can let somebody feel disappointed without making their disappointment your emergency. And you can survive whatever feeling someone may have. If I’m really honest here, whatever they’re feeling is really none of your business anyway. That’s in their hula hoop. You can only manage what fits in your hula hoop.

And the only thing that fits in your hula hoop is you. So manage you and let them manage them. That’s the real recovery work here. Not getting everyone to approve of you, but becoming strong enough to sit with the discomfort of their possible reaction. People pleasing is costing you more than you think. It costs time and energy, honesty, peace, self-respect. It costs you authentic connection.

And when it leaves you overwhelmed and resentful and isolated and feeling bad about yourself, it can cost you your stability in recovery. The goal isn’t to become harsh or unavailable. The goal is to make sure your yes is real. So try the two-week no experiment. Practice the discomfort. Use the formula. Lead with gratitude, decline clearly, keep the door open only when you honestly want it open.

Angela (36:11.414)
Then pay attention to what you learn about yourself. If you recognize yourself in this episode and you’re thinking, okay, but you don’t understand my family, my partner, my boss, and everything I’m responsible for. Well, this is exactly the kind of thing we can work through in a sober strategy intensive. This is a one.

Angela (36:33.612)
This is one three hour session. And for people pleasing, we’ll look at where you’re overcommitted, where resentment has taken root, which responsibilities are genuine, where you need boundaries. We can figure out what you actually want. We can create the exact language you need for the real people and situations in your life. And we can prepare you for the pushback so you don’t collapse the first time someone has a feeling.

And you can schedule a call with me to talk about setting that up. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. You’ll leave with a personalized plan, and you’ll have 30 days in my private member community, the Sober Society, for even more support. AddictionUlimited.com forward slash call. And I will link that in the show notes as always. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. You do not have to blow up your relationships or become a completely different person.

You need to stop volunteering your time, your energy, and your peace because you’re terrified somebody might think something about you. You’re allowed to protect yourself. You’re allowed to prioritize yourself. You’re allowed to love you. And remember, other people are allowed to have feelings. Their feelings don’t automatically become your responsibility. Until next time, my friend, I hope you’re having a fantastic day. And I will see you next week.