456 Transcript

Angela (00:05.88)
Hello, my friend. Welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. We’re going to talk about something today, so little but so big. You’ve had a hard day, you walk in the kitchen and your hand is already reaching for the bottle of wine, or you’re in your car and you already know you’re about to turn toward the liquor store. But then for one split second, something in you says, like, what if I didn’t?

That second is everything. It’s not a big dramatic movie moment. There’s no music swelling in the background. Nobody else even knows it’s happening. It’s a split second. And in that split second, you turn the car toward the meeting instead of the liquor store. You put the bottle back and pick up your phone. You pull into the meeting parking lot and instead of driving away, you turn off the car and go in the door.

You choose something different. These are the moments I call seconds and inches, because I think we have this idea that changing your life happens in these big, profound, life-changing moments. And sometimes it does, I guess, but most of the time, the big changes happen in split seconds. It’s the second when you interrupt the same old automatic response you’ve had for years.

And decide to do something different. And that decision might only move you an inch. But then you do it again, another second, another inch. And eventually those seconds and inches put you somewhere completely different. And today I’m going to tell you about one of my moments. I was 37, four years sober, standing in the college.

Angela (02:01.004)
I was 37, four years sober, standing in the hallway at my college. And the whole thing took about five minutes. But the part that changed me happened in about two seconds. Because in those two seconds, I had a choice between being the person I’d always been or doing something different. And most of my life, I was a quitter.

If I was bad at something, I quit. If it got uncomfortable, I quit. If I felt embarrassed, or if it was something that required more effort than I wanted to give, I was out. You know, gymnastics as a kid, dance team in high school, jobs the minute they got irritating, relationships at the first sign of a challenge. I had a long history of finding the exit. And underneath all of that running and hiding and quitting,

Was this feeling that I wasn’t capable or I wasn’t good enough or deserving? You know, one of my sisters-in-law once told me, I have a lot of brothers, so I have a lot of sisters-in-law. And one of them said to me one time years ago, she’s like, I feel like I could put you in a room with a thousand people and you would come up with a reason why every single one of them was better than you. And I was stunned. And she was right. She was absolutely right.

That’s how deep it ran, that feeling or that belief that I wasn’t good enough.

For me, before I even tried something, I was already picturing the embarrassment of failing. My brain would kick in with every reason it wouldn’t work. I don’t have time. I’d never figure that out. I don’t even know where to start. Other people can do that, not me. Because trying felt like delayed failure, right? Like, why put in all that effort just to prove what I already knew? And if I didn’t try.

Angela (03:58.294)
I also had an escape hatch. I could tell myself, well, I didn’t really give it my best. I could have done it if I’d really wanted to. But if I tried, really tried, and it still didn’t work, that would be proof. Proof that I really wasn’t good enough. So I opted out. It protected me from that feeling for a minute, but it also meant I kept holding myself back.

But it also meant I kept holding myself back. I could never see what I was actually capable of. And there’s a story that I heard in AA once about a fence. I heard this really early on, probably in my first few weeks. And it’s like people are asked to climb up and walk along the top of a fence, right? So one person climbs up, take a

Angela (04:55.668)
One person climbs up, takes a step, falls, of course, but gets up, jumps right back on top of the fence and tries again. And after several times falling, eventually that person makes it several steps, right? The alcoholic looks at the fence, figures out every reason he can’t do it, and says, no thanks, and doesn’t even try. That was me with everything. And that’s important to understand because.

When I found myself in that college hallway, that old response was locked and loaded. I didn’t have to think about it. My brain knew exactly what we did in situations like this. We got the fuck out of there.

But for a split second, there was an opening and I did something different. You know, college wasn’t something I ever thought I was capable of. I didn’t go until I was 37. And in high school, I was never a good student. I was smart. I just didn’t care. And honestly, school bored the shit out of me. But in college,

I cared, probably because I was old. But I cared. I looked at it very differently. I did my homework. I studied for tests. I got A’s on everything. It was the first time I ever got an A and I was addicted from the first A, everything had to be an A, right? Like a good alcoholic, I have to overdo it there too. But I was crushing it. I had never been that person before. And I liked who I was becoming. When you’ve spent your whole life believing you’re less than.

And not capable of what everyone else is, discovering you’re actually good at something means a lot. It meant everything to me.

Angela (06:45.524)
And here’s an important piece of this too. I was four years sober when I went to college. If I hadn’t gotten sober, if I hadn’t already started practicing doing things differently, if I hadn’t proved to myself that I could do some really hard shit and show up for something day after day besides drinking, then I never would have been in that hallway at all. Sobriety put me there, right? That’s what allowed me to even end up in college.

At four years sober at 37 years old. And that particular week, I had been on an intervention. I flew to California, did an intervention, grabbed the person from the intervention, flew them all the way across the country to a treatment center on the East Coast, and then I flew home. All of that in about four days. And somewhere in all those flights, my assignment didn’t get done. And it wasn’t a big assignment. It was

writing a short summary about something we’d had to read and it was worth 25 points. But I had never missed an assignment, not once. So I was walking to class, so disappointed in myself, and I’d already worked out the plan, right? I was like, okay, I have to take a zero. I’ll talk to my professor, I’ll ask about extra credit, I’ll make up some points somewhere. You know, it wasn’t the end of the world, but it felt bad.

I was proud of being prepared or I was proud of being a person who could be prepared. And that day I wasn’t. So as I’m walking down the hallway, I passed the computer lab.

Angela (08:27.17)
And everything that happened next literally took a second. But I just had this thought, like, what if I went in there and just threw something together? And my brain was like, no, no way, we’ll be late. And I’d never been late to class either. And then I was like, would it even be worth it? Can I put together anything that’s worth a shit in five minutes? And then here comes my brain, just take the zero. Right. And it’s like, I’ll just talk to the professor, deal with it later.

That was the old response, right? Not even making a decision. It was just automatic. Fuck it. Take the zero. Really, I old me wouldn’t have even gone to class. Old me would have gone home, beat myself up, spent days crucifying myself for screwing up. I’d turn one missed assignment into an entire emotional disaster, right? I knew how to do that. I had 37 years of practice of doing that.

But there was just this little tiny opening, that split second between fuck it and well, should I? And then I had one thought that cut through all of it. I thought, you know what, some points are better than no points. And that was it. I turned around.

Angela (09:55.318)
That was the moment. I turned around, went in the computer lab. It wasn’t about what happened next or the grade or the paper. It’s not whether what I wrote was any good. The victory happened right there in the hallway because for one split second, I stopped following the old script. I didn’t do what I had always done. I chose differently and then I made a move. I got in the lab, I sat down, I started typing, five minutes, I printed it out.

Walked into class late. I wasn’t proud of myself, right? I still didn’t like that I wasn’t prepared and didn’t have my shit together and didn’t get it done. I just did what I could with the time I had instead of giving up and crucifying myself. A week later, we got our papers back and I got a 25 out of 25, a perfect score. I was shocked for sure.

And at the same time I felt validated. I like it was a little sign from the universe, a cosmic pat on the back that like, see dude, just try. Don’t give up and say, fuck it, just try. This is what happens when you just try.

Angela (11:12.406)
I also realized that the 25 points weren’t the important part. Because what if I’d gotten 10 or gotten five, right? I still won because the victory wasn’t the outcome. The victory was not being the old version of me. For one split second, I caught myself about to do the same old bullshit that always got me the same old result. And I chose something different.

I didn’t know I’d get 25 out of 25. I made the decision without knowing how it would turn out. That’s always how it works. You never get to see the result first. You just get the split second. And that’s exactly what happens in sobriety. You’re driving home after a horrible day, and before you even consciously decide anything, you’re thinking about the liquor store. Maybe you’re already turning toward it. And then there’s that second, and you decide to turn around.

Or call somebody or go to a meeting instead or go home.

Angela (12:19.326)
You don’t know in that moment whether this is going to become 30 days sober, a year, or 20 years. You just know what you’re going to do in that second. That’s it. You get the second. And in that second, you either follow the same old script or you interrupt it.

Angela (12:40.308)
Or another one, your your ex text late at night, of course, you’re lonely, and immediately your thumbs are already hovering over the keyboard. You know exactly where this goes because you’ve been there before, and you have that split second, and you’re like, mm, not even worth my time. And you put the phone down instead of texting back. Or that one friend that calls. You know the one, they want to go out, they’ve already got the whole night planned.

And part of you feels like you should say yes, like you’re gonna miss something if you don’t go. And then there’s the second. You can follow the old pattern, or you can stay in with comfy clothes and a show you love and a good dinner. And you decide, I wanna stay home. And then you’re in your bubble, sober and happy. Or it’s five o’clock, the craving hits, and instead of pouring the drink, you pour a sparkling water.

You pull into the meeting parking lot and immediately want to leave. There’s the second.

Are you gonna turn the car back on and leave? Are you gonna open the door, get out, and go inside?

Or you’re spinning out in your own head and every thought’s getting darker and louder. And there’s the second. Believe every shitty thing your brain is telling you, or pick up the phone and call someone who can help you get out of your own head. These decisions don’t look impressive, right? Nobody throws you a parade. Most of the time nobody even knows it’s happening. But that’s where change happens. Maybe you only move an inch, but it’s an inch in a different direction.

Angela (14:21.794)
direction and then you do it again. That’s seconds and inches. And listen, I would love to tell you that I had that one moment in the hallway and never followed an old pattern again. Wouldn’t that be convenient, right? Five minutes, 25 points, lifelong emotional stability. Beautiful. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works, right? Those split seconds still show up. They look different now. 20 years sober, it’s not a bottle I’m staring down.

But my brain still has old roads. It loves to travel. When my podcast numbers drop, there’s a moment when my brain says, people don’t like you anymore. Why are you even doing this? Or a couple of years ago when I had to cancel a sober trip because not enough people signed up. There was a split second where my brain said, see, nobody wants to hang out with you. Again, it’s all that you’re not good enough, you’re less than.

And I can automatically follow that thought down the same old road if I’m not careful. But I also don’t have to accept everything my brain says as fact. So now if my brain is fired up about something and I’m struggling between the old me and the new one, the first thing I have to do is calm myself, right? Calming always comes first.

What do I need to do in this moment to feel a little better? Meditation, a meeting, calling a friend, journaling, some breath work, whatever helps me create enough space to make a better choice. Then if my brain is gathering evidence against me, I go gather evidence to the contrary. If my brain says people don’t like you, they don’t want to spend time with you.

Then I have to look at the facts. Like, well, that’s can’t be true. Like, look at all these people who call me and text me and invite me to things, people who depend on me.

Angela (16:24.426)
A trip not filling up doesn’t mean no one wants to hang out with me. I can still be disappointed. I was devastated when I had to cancel that trip, right? I was literally devastated. Looking at the facts doesn’t mean pretending I don’t care. It means I don’t automatically turn one disappointment into a whole story about how much I suck as a human. That’s the pattern I’m in.

That’s the pattern I’m interrupting now. And there are plenty of split seconds where I want to give up on a project, a goal, a collaboration that isn’t going my way. The old response is still there. Fuck it. I’m done. Throw this whole fucking thing out. But now there’s usually a second where I can chill the fuck out for a minute.

And ask myself, like, do I actually want to quit this, or is it just being a pain in the ass right now? Do I actually want to bail on this whole project? Or do I just need a break? Because sometimes I just need to walk away for an hour or a day or a week. Calm down, get some perspective, let the big emotions settle down so I can think clearly, and then come back and figure out like what’s just the next thing I can do.

Angela (17:51.468)
And here’s what I’ve learned after doing this for a long time. You have to practice this, right? You can actually get better at catching yourself in that moment. When I started working out years ago, I knew my history of quitting. I knew how fast discomfort could trigger that old response in me, right? Like I’m done, this sucks. Leave. So I made one rule for myself. If I start a class, I finish the class because I always did group fitness classes.

So in that first class, there were a million moments that I wanted to bail and I had to keep facing that split second decision to stay. When I had to take a break and I wanted to cry because of how hard it was, but I stayed. When my legs were on fire, I was out of breath, and the door was screaming my name. Over and over, I had to make the split second decision to stay.

And I told myself I could rest, get a drink of water, I could modify whatever exercises I needed to modify because obviously I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do everything. I hadn’t worked out in years, but I had to stay. And every time I made that choice, I was practicing being the person who stayed instead of being the quitter. It’s the same with refinishing furniture. I refinish furniture.

Every piece of furniture I work on, I find 10 more steps than I expected. And part of me so badly wants to be in that space of fuck this piece of shit. Shove the whole thing in the corner of the grudge and pretend it never happened. Right? There’s the second. The old response says, fuck this, I’m done. But the new version of me says, okay, let’s take a break. Let’s take your shitty attitude in the house, get something to eat, shower, chill out.

I can walk away for a couple of hours. Sometimes I do walk away for a week or more. Then I can come back with fresh eyes, a calm mind and clarity and go, okay, what’s just the next step I can complete?

Angela (20:01.462)
Not the next 10 steps or how long until I’m done with this damn thing, but what’s just the very next thing I can get done? That’s how I keep showing up for this podcast. That’s how I’ve built my business. That’s how I’ve stayed sober for 20 years. Not because 20 years ago I made one giant decision and magically became a different human being. I’ve had thousands of seconds, thousands of opportunities.

To follow an old road or take a different one. And every different choice moved me an inch. And then another and then another. Until eventually those inches become miles. And I became someone I couldn’t even imagine being when I started. Old me, drink, run, quit, avoid, isolate, text the ex for sure. Don’t go to the thing. Beat yourself up. Fuck it.

Whatever your version is, for just a second, recognize it and do something different. The bottle you put back, the turn toward the meeting instead of the liquor store, five minutes in a computer lab, turning off the car.

Angela (21:19.118)
Turning off the car in the meeting parking lot instead of driving away. The phone call you make instead of reaching for the drink. Staying until the end of a class. Taking a break from the project instead of bailing on it altogether. The text you send a friend.

Angela (21:40.418)
The text you send a friend instead of believing the story your brain is telling you. None of those moments look like much, but every one of them changes your direction. And that’s how big changes happen. Not always through giant declarations and dramatic transformations. Sometimes your whole life starts changing because for one second you stop, you recognize the old pattern.

And you decide I’m not doing that this time, then you move an inch. So this week, I want you to watch for your split seconds and not just around alcohol everywhere. Watch for the moment you’re about to reach for something you don’t actually want to reach for. The moment you’re sitting in the parking lot thinking about leaving, the moment you’re about to give up on.

Angela (22:38.082)
The moment you’re sitting in the parking lot thinking about leaving, the moment you’re about to give up on something you still want, the moment your brain starts telling you the same story it’s been telling you for 20 years, the moment you want to say something shitty to your partner because they hurt your feelings, the moment you hear, why even bother? That’s your second.

You don’t have to know how everything turns out. You don’t have to solve the rest of your life. You don’t have to know whether the thing you’re about to do is gonna work. I certainly didn’t know I was gonna get 25 out of 25. I thought I might get a few points. And I went in anyway. You never get to know the outcome first. You just get the split second. And in that split second, you can choose the same old bullshit that gets you the same old result, or you can choose something different.

This is what we’re working on in Sober Society this month, the next right thing. Because sometimes the next right thing is tiny. Make the call. Go inside. Put the drink down. Take the break. Ask for help. Do the thing in front of you. We’re doing it together because building a life you feel good about takes continued effort. There will be frustrating days. There will be days when every old instinct you have is screaming at you.

And having people around you who get it and a place to come back to helps you keep making those different choices.

If you want to join us in sober society, I’ll put the link in the show notes. addictionunlimited.com forward slash membership. Twenty years ago, I couldn’t see the life I have today. And standing in that college hallway, I couldn’t see 25 out of 25. You don’t get to see that part. You only get the moment you’re in, the split second when you recognize the old pattern and realize you have a choice.

Angela (24:41.484)
And you may have no idea where that choice is gonna lead you. You may not know that this is the meeting that changes something, the phone call that keeps you sober, or the tiny decision you’ll look back on years from now and realize it changed the direction of your life. And you don’t need to know. You just need to catch the second, make a different choice, move an inch. And then when the next second comes, do it again. That’s how we change. Seconds and inches. Just doing the next right.

Angela (25:14.7)
I love you guys. I hope you’re having a fantastic day. And I will see you next week.