Angela
Hello, my friend. Welcome back to Addiction Unlimited, where we talk about the truth behind what it really takes to stay sober and recover. All the things below the surface. And I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. There’s a huge difference between wanting to stop drinking and actually being ready to stay sober. And we confuse those two things all the time.

And before you think this episode isn’t for you because you’ve already quit drinking, stay with me. Because this same resistance can show up months or years into recovery. You can be successfully sober and still find yourself stuck, restless, or wondering why you’re not growing anymore. Getting sober requires humility and willingness. Continuing to grow

requires them too. And we’re gonna talk about both because you can desperately want to stop drinking. You can wake up every morning feeling like shit, swear you’re never gonna do this again. You can be terrified about what alcohol’s doing to your health. You can hate what it’s doing to your marriage. You can be sick of disappointing yourself. You can be tired of waking up at 3 a.m with your heart pounding trying to piece together what happened the night before.

You can genuinely, desperately want this to stop and simultaneously argue with every damn thing that might actually help you stop. I don’t want to go to meetings. I don’t want to tell anybody. I don’t need a coach. I don’t want to change my social life. I can figure this out myself. I’m not like those people. I don’t want to do anything weird. I don’t want to be uncomfortable. I’ll just listen to podcasts. I know what I need to do.

Okay, then why aren’t you doing it? And I’m not saying that to be a jerk. I’m saying it because at some point we have to stop evaluating our recovery based on what we intend to do and start looking at what our actual results are telling us. Because one of the clearest signs that you’re finally ready.

Angela (02:33.324)
Because one of the clearest signs that you’re finally ready to stay sober is that you stop resisting everything. That doesn’t mean you’re suddenly fearless. It doesn’t mean you’re excited about every suggestion. It doesn’t mean you agree with everybody. It doesn’t mean you wake up one morning and say, my God, I would love to tell another human being all the most embarrassing shit I’ve been hiding for the last seven years.

No, that’s not what it means. That’s not readiness. Readiness isn’t

Readiness isn’t the absence of fear and doubt and resistance and discomfort. Readiness is when you stop letting those things make your decisions. You can think meetings sound awful and go anyway. You can hate asking for help and ask anyway. You can think somebody’s suggestion sounds stupid and try it anyway.

You can be terrified of telling the truth and tell it anyway. You can desperately want to do this your way and finally recognize my way is the thing that keeps bringing me back here. And I know a little something about this too because I had humility and resistance happening at the exact same time, which is very alcoholic of me. That is a very alcoholic thing.

But when I decided to get sober, I went to AA. I didn’t know much about AA. I didn’t know much about the program. And I definitely had resistance to the God stuff. But those belief systems.

Angela (04:23.67)
I didn’t know much about AA. I didn’t know much about the program. And I definitely had resistance to the God stuff because those belief systems aren’t mine. But I knew one thing. There were successfully sober people there. And I wanted to be successfully sober. So that’s where I went. That’s humility. I didn’t have to understand everything before I walked through the door. I didn’t have to agree with everything.

I didn’t have to decide that every single thing that anybody said in that room was now the absolute truth. I just had enough humility to recognize these people have something I don’t have. They know how to stay sober. I don’t. So maybe they know something I don’t know. That’s humility. That’s being teachable.

Angela (05:20.418)
But then I started hearing people talk about getting a sponsor. And apparently that’s as far as my humility could go because my immediate response was basically, I don’t need somebody telling me how to live my life. I’ve been on my own for a long time. I know how to take care of myself. I don’t need some authority figure checking up on me and telling me what the fuck to do. Because that’s what sponsorship felt like to me. And I don’t like anybody telling me what to do in any way, shape, or form.

And that’s what sponsorship felt like to me. It felt like an authority figure, a boss or a parent, somebody who might tell me no, somebody who might disagree with me, somebody who might tell me something I don’t want to hear, somebody who would know what I said I was going to do and then notice when I didn’t fucking do it. Accountability, right? And listen, if there’s one thing alcoholics hate, it’s authority. We do not like being told what to do.

We definitely don’t like being told we can’t do something. And we don’t appreciate people questioning our decisions and holding us accountable. No, we hate all of that. And I was stuck in that immaturity. Here’s what’s interesting though. I was still going to meetings every day. I was staying sober. I was learning. I was picking up things on a surface level. So from the outside, you could look at me and say, wow, she’s doing great.

And I was. But my resistance was limiting me. It wasn’t keeping me drunk anymore, but it was keeping me from growing. Because I had decided there was one area where I knew better. And the story I told myself made perfect sense. I didn’t need someone to tell me how to live my life because I was strong. I was courageous. I was powerful.

I moved across the country by myself when I was 20-something years old. I built a life in one of the hardest cities on the planet. I had taken care of myself for years. From the outside, it looked like I had my shit together. And all of that was true. That’s the tricky part. My ego wasn’t building its argument out of completely fabricated information. It had receipts. I was strong. I was independent. I was courageous.

Angela (07:39.318)
I had done hard things, but emotionally I was about 17, maybe younger. 17, I might be giving myself a little too much credit. And eventually I had to recognize the glaringly obvious truth was that I absolutely needed somebody to teach me how to live my life. Because look at the life I had created. My thinking was involved in creating that life. My choices were involved.

My ego was involved. My emotional immaturity was involved. And eventually I drank myself into alcoholism. So maybe the fact that I could move across the country by myself wasn’t evidence that I knew how to recover from alcoholism. Right? Maybe being competent in one area of my life didn’t automatically make me an expert in another. And I want to make an important distinction here because everything I’ve been talking about doesn’t only apply to getting sober.

It applies to recovery too. Remember, sobriety is quitting, recovery is healing. And you can absolutely become willing enough and teachable enough to quit drinking and then hit another wall nine months later, or two years later, or 10 years later. That’s basically what happened to me. I was sober, I was going to meetings every day, I was doing the things that were keeping alcohol out of my body.

But I had reached the edge of what I knew how to do by myself.

Angela (09:13.302)
And because I was still resistant to sponsorship, I couldn’t get to the next level of growth. You might experience that differently. Maybe you’ve been sober for several months and lately you’re thinking, like, is this it? You’re not drinking, but you’re bored. You feel flat. You feel restless. The things that helped you tremendously in the beginning don’t have the same excitement anymore. The books aren’t hitting the same. The podcasts aren’t giving you.

Those huge light bulb moments, the meetings or routines that once felt like lifelines are starting to feel repetitive.

Angela (09:54.93)
Or you’re simply ready for more. You know you’ve changed, but you also know there are parts of your life that haven’t changed nearly as much as you thought they would, or as you want them to. Your relationships, your confidence, your emotional regulation, your boundaries, your ability to handle disappointment, the way you talk to yourself, the way you choose people, the way you cope when life doesn’t go your way.

The way you date or build romantic relationships. And you don’t necessarily know what the next level is supposed to look like. That’s another place where resistance can sneak back in. Think about how teachable you were when you were desperate to stop drinking. You were scared enough to listen. You were willing to try things. You were open to suggestions. You thought, tell me what to do because I can’t keep living like this.

And then you got some sober time. You’re stronger. Life stabilized. You aren’t walking, you aren’t waking up in crisis anymore. And little by little that old thinking can start creeping back in. I know, I’ve got this. I don’t need that anymore. I’m tired of doing this. I should be farther along than this. I don’t know what else there is to work on. And suddenly you’re doing the same thing we do when we’re trying to quit drinking.

You’re standing at the edge of your next level of growth and arguing with what it might require from you. Getting sober doesn’t eliminate those blind spots. And having sober time doesn’t mean you’re finished learning. Sometimes the wall you’re hitting isn’t evidence that recovery has stopped working. It’s evidence that you’ve reached the edge of what you currently know how to do.

And that requires the exact same humility that getting sober required. Maybe there’s something here I don’t know yet. Maybe instead of deciding this isn’t working anymore, you get curious. What do I need to learn now? Who knows something about this part of the journey that I don’t? Because becoming teachable isn’t something you do once when you quit drinking. It’s a posture you return to over and over again if you want to keep growing.

Angela (12:23.402)
That’s where a lot of really intelligent, capable people get stuck, right? Your intelligence has served you beautifully. You solve problems, you research, you figure shit out. You’re independent, you’re capable. You might run a company or manage 20 people and make complicated decisions all day long. You might be raising kids. Maybe you’re the person everybody calls when their life falls apart. Maybe you’ve built a really impressive career. You know how to get shit done.

And then you run into alcohol. And suddenly one of your greatest assets can become part of the trap. I’m smart. I can figure this out. Okay. But you’ve been trying to figure it out. Maybe for three years, maybe for 10. How much more evidence do you need? Because you can be incredibly competent and still have absolutely no fucking idea how to do this.

You can run a company and not know how to regulate an emotion. You can raise children and not know how to tolerate disappointment. You can manage a team and not know how to manage yourself. You can solve complex problems all day long and have no idea how to get through Friday night without drinking. Those things can exist inside the same human being.

And then there comes a moment when intelligence has to make room for you.

Angela (13:53.622)
And then there comes a moment when intelligence has to make room for humility. Not I’m stupid or I’m weak or I’m incapable, just I don’t know how to do something I’ve never successfully done before. Maybe I should learn from somebody who has. That’s it. And humility gets confused with humiliation. Those are not the same thing. Humiliation says I’m a piece of shit.

Everybody knows better than me. I can’t trust myself. I’m incapable. Humility says, apparently, I don’t know how to do this. Humility is being teachable, and there’s so much freedom in that because ego requires you to already know. Humility gives you permission to learn. I finally got a sponsor when I was about 10 months sober, and it was a game changer. He guided me, he taught me.

He helped me understand what things actually meant instead of just letting me grab onto whatever surface level interpretation worked for me. He taught me what was important. He taught me recovery on a deeper level. He taught me life on a deeper level. And that’s when my growth became exponential. It didn’t become weaker because I let somebody guide me. I didn’t become less independent. I didn’t lose my personality. I didn’t suddenly become someone who blindly followed.

Whatever another person told me, I became teachable enough to recognize that I can’t see what I can’t see. And someone who has already gotten where I’m trying to go might be able to see something I can’t. That’s when things start changing. And this is where I want you to look at your own resistance because we do this really weird thing in addiction where we feel like absolute shit about ourselves.

And simultaneously think we’re fucking special. You know? Everybody else might need support, but I don’t. Everybody else might need to change their lifestyle, but I won’t. Everybody else might need accountability, but I can manage myself. Everybody else might need to follow suggestions, but my situation is different. We somehow feel inferior and exceptional at the exact same time.

Angela (16:13.324)
And eventually somebody’s got to tell you you’re not special. And I don’t mean that in a shitty you don’t matter kind of way. I mean it in the most liberating way possible. You are not the one human being ha who can

Angela (16:33.194)
You are not the one human being who has discovered an entirely different version of addiction where you can continue doing everything your way and somehow get a different result. Millions upon millions of people have gone before you. People smarter than you, people more stubborn than you, people with more money than you or less money than you, people with horrific drinking problems, and people who stopped before their drinking became horrific.

People with trauma, people without trauma, people with families, people without families, you are not dealing with a brand new fucking problem. And maybe, just maybe, the people who have successfully done this know something you don’t. That’s when you become sober serious. You stop constantly negotiating with the solution. You start asking, what if they do know something I don’t?

I don’t know if this will work. I don’t know if I’ll like it. I don’t know if I agree with everything they’re telling me. I don’t understand why it matters. But what I’ve been doing isn’t working. So I’m willing to try something different. That’s sober serious. You don’t need to agree. You need to be willing. I think this sounds stupid. I’ll try it. I don’t understand why this matters. I’ll do it. I hate this. I’m uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell her the truth.

I don’t want to change this relationship. I don’t want to sit with this feeling. I don’t want to ask for help. And then you do it anyway. That’s when somebody starts changing. Because for years, alcoholics are governed by I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to have this conversation. I don’t want to be uncomfortable. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to stay home. I don’t want to ask for help. So I dream.

And then we stop drinking and bring the exact same operating system into recovery. I don’t want to. And at some point, somebody has to say, nobody gives a shit what you want to do. Not literally. Obviously, I care about you, but your recovery cannot be governed by whether today’s suggestion sounds appealing. That’s not how this works.

Angela (18:56.76)
That’s adult recovery. You become teachable. You stop negotiating with every solution. You stop needing to be the exception. You stop worshiping your own opinions. You stop confusing intelligence with expertise. You stop demanding comfort. And you stop saying, I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I hear it a million times a day. When your life is providing

Overwhelming evidence that you don’t fucking know. Because if you knew how to do this, you’d be doing it. That’s the truth people coddle themselves away from. They spend years saying, I know what I need to do. Well, maybe you don’t. Or maybe you know intellectually and you don’t know how to execute it. Or maybe you know exactly what to do and you’re unwilling to execute it.

But something in your current system is broken and the result keeps telling you that. And if every suggestion gets met with, yeah, but yeah, but I tried that once. Yeah, but I did that before. Yeah, but that didn’t really work for me. Yeah, but pay attention to that. If you’re still compiling a list of everything you won’t do, pay attention.

If you want somebody helping you to find a solution that accommodates every preference, every fear, every inconvenience, and every objection you have, pay attention. If every time somebody gives you an answer you don’t like, you go looking for another answer, pay attention. Because maybe you aren’t trying to find the solution anymore. Maybe you’re trying to find a solution that doesn’t require you to change.

And those are very different things. You’re not failing to stay sober because nobody’s given you enough information. At some point, you’ve probably heard plenty of information. Maybe the problem isn’t that you don’t know what to do. Maybe the problem is that you keep rejecting what you don’t want to do. That is a very different problem.

Angela (21:18.186)
Once you recognize like, every time somebody suggests something that makes me uncomfortable, I immediately

Angela (21:27.222)
every time someone suggests something that makes me uncomfortable, I immediately explain why I can’t do it. Every time someone with experience gives me guidance, I start proving why my situation is different. Every time the answer requires something I don’t want to do, I go looking for another answer. I keep calling this trying, but I’m actually negotiating, right? That’s awareness. And from there, you get to make a decision.

You can say, no, I’m not willing to do that. Okay, fine. You’re an adult. You get to make that choice. But own the whole choice because I’m choosing not to do the things that could help me stay sober is radically different from nothing works for me.

Angela (22:17.974)
And let’s talk about I can’t for a second, because sometimes you genuinely can’t. There are real limitations, real circumstances, real barriers. But sometimes I can’t means I don’t want to, I’m scared, I’m embarrassed, it’s inconvenient, I don’t think I should have to. I think there should be another way. I don’t like what this means about me. Those are not the same thing. And you have to become honest enough with yourself to know the difference.

Because you have choices. You can choose discomfort. You can choose humility. You can choose guidance. You can choose to try something before deciding it won’t work. You can choose to stop arguing for your limitations. You can choose actions that move you toward the life you keep saying you want. Or you can choose resistance.

But resistance has consequences too. And if you’re listening to this and you’re realizing, like, shit, that’s me. I’ve been trying to figure this out by myself. I’ve been gathering information. I’ve been listening to the podcast. I’ve been making promises. I’ve been starting over. I’ve been trying to manage it and control it and find the version of sobriety I can do without changing too much. And I’m tired. Well, maybe it’s time to stop trying to outsmart the problem. Maybe it’s time to let somebody help you see what you can’t see.

Angela (23:55.832)
That’s exactly what we do in my eight-week coaching program. This isn’t about me taking over your life or giving you a generic list of rules. We start with what’s actually happening in your life, what’s hardest for you right now, where you keep getting stuck and what you’re not seeing. And then we work through it together. You get personal guidance, you get accountability, you get tools, you get support while you’re actually living your life and learning how to do this differently. But you have to bring one thing with you.

Willingness. You don’t have to know exactly what you’re doing. You don’t have to feel confident. You don’t have to have everything figured out. You don’t even have to agree with me all the time. God knows that’s probably impossible anyway. But you do have to be willing to look at what isn’t working and try something different.

Angela (24:49.994)
If you are sober serious, you are done screwing around, you’re done experimenting with sobriety, and you’re ready to actually build a life you don’t want to escape from, then schedule a call with me and see if we can work together. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. That link is always in the show notes. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. And whether you work with me or you do this another way, I want you to pay attention to one thing this week.

Notice your resistance. Notice how quickly I don’t want to becomes I can’t. Notice how quickly discomfort becomes evidence that something isn’t right for you. Notice how quickly you explain why your situation is different. Notice how often you reject an answer and go looking for another one because you didn’t like the first answer. And then ask yourself.

Am I actually trying or am I negotiating? Because you’re allowed to choose your bullshit, right? You can choose your own bullshit. You just don’t get to choose your bullshit and pretend you didn’t make that choice because that’s still a choice.

Angela (26:20.832)
As always, I wish you the best, my friend. Until next week. I hope you’re having a fantastic day.

Angela (26:35.904)
Until next time, I hope you’re having a fantastic day, and I will see you next week.