I know some of you are finding yourself in a spot that is super uncomfortable and stressful, feeling like a failure and wondering if you are ever going to be able to figure out this sobriety thing- and I remember being in that exact same position. In my most unhealthy times, I actually believed that I was defective. Like, broken beyond repair. And my connection to alcohol literally made no sense.
I couldn’t grasp why I kept doing it even though I was watching it destroy my life. I was watching myself deteriorate and I felt powerless like I just didn’t know what the hell to do. No matter how much I hated alcohol, and I really hated alcohol the last couple of years of my drinking- hated it. I was so resentful because I felt like it had this total power and control over me and I couldn’t stop it. And even with all that resentment, I kept on drinking.
Rock bottom is this figurative place we hit that signals it’s time to make a change. It is usually very uncomfortable and unexpected, and it is different for everyone. I don’t ever want you to get hung up on thinking that rock bottom has to be some crazy dramatic event, like mine was. There are millions of people in this world who have a rock bottom moment that didn’t land them in the hospital or jail. I think we put so much weight on the term ‘rock bottom’ that you start to think it’s only rock bottom if it a huge dramatic, life-threatening extravaganza. And that simply is not the case.
I want you to really hear this- alcohol NEEDS you to feel bad about yourself. It’s the only way it can thrive and maintain control. When you feel bad about yourself it gives the committee in your head all that ammunition to kick your anxiety into full gear and talk trash to you all day long about how bad you are and how weak you are and what a bad parent and spouse and employee you are. And as long as the committee has all that ammunition to use against you, YOU WILL WANT TO DRINK. Because in active addiction, alcohol is the solution to quiet the committee and squash the anxiety the committee causes. Alcohol is the coping mechanism you have used for so long, you see it as the solution. When really, it’s the problem.
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Find Jenn Kautsch episode 29 here!