Hello, my friend. Welcome back to another episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. Today we’re talking about something that can feel surprisingly difficult when you quit drinking: making friends. Because where the hell are adults supposed to meet people? You’re a grown-up. You have responsibilities and routines in a life that’s already pretty full. You’re not sitting next to somebody in school every day or

Living down the hall from a hundred other people who are also looking for something to do on Friday night. And when you take alcohol out of the picture, you may realize you don’t know what your social life looks like anymore. Maybe you still love your friends, but you don’t want to spend every weekend doing the things you used to do together. Maybe you want someone to have breakfast with or go for a walk, take a class, or have a conversation you’ll actually remember the next day.

You want connection. You just don’t know where to start.

Angela (01:23.47)
And if you’re an introvert or you’ve relied on alcohol to feel comfortable around people, the advice to just put yourself out there probably makes you want to throw something. So today we’re going to get more specific than that. Where do you go? How do you get past the anxiety? What do you say? And how do you build friendships without the liquid courage of alcohol, turning you into an outgoing person who wants to talk to everybody?

And I promise you, this is all possible because I am an extreme introvert. And if I can figure this out, you definitely can. Alone time is a requirement for me. And I require a little more of it than most people do. I also have anxiety. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older, but it’ll never be completely gone. So I will never be the person.

Angela (02:24.792)
So I will never be the person who walks into a room with my hand out, like ready to shake hands and introduce myself and make small talk. I would literally rather die. Now, if somebody starts a conversation with me and we connect, I can talk all day long. I think sometimes people confuse introversion with being shy or insecure, uncomfortable with yourself. Those aren’t interchangeable things. I’m very confident.

I just don’t enjoy large groups and small talk.

Angela (03:10.304)
If I’m surrounded by conversations that don’t interest me, I’m probably gonna be quiet because I’m bored to tears. And eventually I’ll fake a headache and get the hell out of there. But when I feel safe with somebody, when I can open up and laugh and have a meaningful conversation, I’m happy to let that person in my bubble.

And I know a lot of you understand that because a lot of my clients are introverts too.

Angela (03:42.124)
You enjoy being home, you like your space, you don’t want plans every night of the week, and a canceled invitation sometimes feels like a little gift from the universe. You can enjoy all of that and still need friends. For me, I can usually tell when I need connection because I start getting irritable, right? I’m working too much, I’m getting overtired, I’m spending too much time in my own little world.

And it doesn’t always announce itself like Angela, you’re lonely. Sometimes it shows up as me needing to get away from my work and connect and laugh with somebody who knows me.

Angela (04:34.062)
Mm mm.

Angela (04:42.552)
For me, I can usually tell when I need connection because I start getting irritable, right? I’m working too much, I’m overtired, and I’m just spending way too much time in my own little world. And it doesn’t announce itself. It’s not like all of a sudden my head goes, Angela, you’re lonely. No, it’s usually that.

Angela (05:07.318)
No, it’s usually that I find myself being bitchy, like every little thing is irritating the shit out of me. And then I have to go through my checklist, right? Halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That’s always where I start. And I’ll realize, like, holy shit, you know, it’s been three days and I haven’t had human contact. So

Angela (05:32.992)
I need soul food. Connection is soul food. Time with friends I can open up with and be myself. I also know my limits. There’s only so much being out of the house and being around people I can comfortably do in a week. I will hit my limit of being in public and I need to go home and recharge in peace and sweatpants. But that’s the kind of social life I want you thinking about building, one that gives you connection and

fits who you actually are.

Angela (06:07.924)
And there’s a part of this conversation where we have to get honest about our own behavior, right? Because when someone tells me like, I don’t have any sober friends, my first response is, well, you have to go where the sober people are and say hi, right? A bus full of sober people isn’t gonna show up at your house and ask to be your friend. They’re not coming down your street with a breakfast reservation and a seat saved for you. You have to participate. And I say that with love because we can’t stay home all the time.

Bitch about how much we hate people and then whine when we don’t have friends and fun things to do. Pick a fucking lane. It’s one or the other. You either hate the people or you want things to do and have friends. You are perfectly allowed to be a homebody. You can prefer quiet evenings in a small circle. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re unhappy with how disconnected you feel, you have to look at your decisions and figure out if you’re really trying to make connections at all.

If you decline every invitation, never go anywhere new, and leave every activity before anyone has a chance to talk to you, those choices affect your opportunities to make friends. Own that.

Mm.

Angela (07:39.914)
You don’t control whether a particular person becomes your friend. You do have control over whether you make room to meet people and get to know them. And this matters when we talk about social activities and drinking and anxiety. A lot of people tell me that feeling anxious around others was one of the main reasons they drank. Social situations. Everybody thinks they’re unique that they have social anxiety. You’re not unique.

Almost all of us have it, right? It’s one of the ways alcohol traps us. Alcohol was how you walked into the party, started the conversation, or stopped worrying about what everyone else thinks of you. It allows you to feel like you belong and you’re connected. When you quit drinking, those situations feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I understand why you’d want to avoid them.

But if you keep waiting until you feel completely comfortable before you do anything, you could be waiting a very long time.

Angela (08:44.684)
You really need a manageable place to start. And I mean manageable for you. When I first started going to AA, my anxiety was so bad, I could barely function. I mean, obviously I was brand new sober. I just quit drinking. I’m still in withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal. But I couldn’t not go just because my anxiety was an asshole. I needed to be there. And I knew it would never get easier if I didn’t challenge myself.

Right, because if you left it up to me and my introverted anxious self, I would find the most corner y corner seat in the room, preferably where somebody could not sit next to me.

Angela (09:29.398)
I wouldn’t talk to anyone, and I might leave a little early to make absolutely sure I escaped before the small talk started.

Not because I didn’t want connection. I wanted to feel comfortable with those people, but my anxiety was unbearable. And avoiding everybody was how I got through it.

The problem was I wanted to feel like I belonged.

Angela (10:00.396)
The problem was I wanted to feel like I belonged while doing everything I could to remain invisible. So I had to give myself something small enough that I would actually do it, but challenging enough to start changing my pattern. That’s the crux of recovery, changing your patterns. So I made a deal with myself: make eye contact with one person every day. That was my entire assignment.

I didn’t have to introduce myself or start a conversation. I just had to look at one person instead of looking at the floor and making my way to my little corner.

And it had to be a different person every day. That’s part of it too. I couldn’t just pick one person and eye contact with the same person every day. It had to be a different person. And when that became comfortable, I added the next step: make eye contact and say hi. That’s it. Just hi. I didn’t need to stop and exchange astrological signs and the ages of our children and our entire family fucking histories. Nobody was asking me to become the welcoming committee. I just had to say one word.

And when that got easier, I bumped it up to a few words. How are you? Good to see you. Glad you’re here. And by the time I got to that third step, going to meetings felt so much easier. I wasn’t freaking out every day about to cry. I was looking forward to going in. People knew my name and I felt like I belonged.

Angela (11:29.954)
That connection I wanted finally had some room to happen because I was letting people see me and get to know me a little bit at a time.

I didn’t wait until I felt comfortable to participate. I participated in small ways until I started feeling more comfortable. And that’s what I want you to take from this. Your first step can just be eye contact. It can be one word. You can choose something that stretches you without expecting yourself to handle everything at once. But you have to choose something. Again, you can do nothing or you can do something.

I knew what doing nothing was getting me: a corner seat, an early exit, and probably drunk again. If I wanted connection and sobriety, I had to start making different choices. Something else I had to learn about myself is that people don’t often approach me because I’m not very approachable. And that was a weird little discovery for me.

Angela (12:37.024)
I can want connection all day long, but if my head is down and I’m avoiding eye contact and I look like I don’t want to be bothered, what invitation am I giving somebody to talk to me? And now we have our phones, makes it even worse, right? You can walk into a room full of people and immediately disappear into your screen. You’re physically there, but nobody has any reason to think you’re interested in interacting. And then you go home and say, Nobody talked to me. Well, did you look up? I mean

I had to recognize that in myself. And once I did, I started correcting it. Now I make a point to walk in with my head up, my phone in my pocket, I smile at people, I make eye contact, I pay attention to what’s happening around me instead of staying buried in my phone or lost in my own thoughts. I’m still the same introvert, but I’m giving people a chance to see that I’m open to them.

Because someone across the room can’t know you’re sitting there wishing you had a friend. They can only see what you’re showing them. And if everything about your behavior says leave me alone, they’re gonna leave you alone.

Angela (13:50.368)
I used to always be head down in my phone, sunglasses always on, earbuds in. Of course, connection was challenging. I looked like a weirdo, right? But before you decide nobody ever approaches you, take an honest look at how you show up. Are you making yourself available for conversation? Are you looking at anyone? When someone smiles at you, do you smile back? Those are small things you can start changing right now, today.

And sometimes that’s where you need to begin, creating an opening instead of wondering why no one’s coming in.

Angela (14:46.988)
And that same willingness to take one small step at a time is how you give yourself a chance to make friends outside recovery too. Once you have a manageable way to interact with people, the next question is where do you want to keep showing up? For me, it helps to have something to do, right? I don’t want to walk in a room where my entire assignment is to mingle. That is not fun for me. I need a

purpose, an activity, something to do with my hands, give me a class, something to learn, something I’m interested in. Then I have a reason to be there. And I already have something in common with everyone else in the room. We already have something to talk about.

Angela (15:35.19)
I have a gym friend and we’ve taken the same class together every week for years. We started saying hi, then having short conversations. Eventually, she invited me to breakfast with some of the other women. Then we went to the pool at our gym after class a few times over the summer. We aren’t lifelong besties, but we connect and we really enjoy each other.

And look how that happened. We’re both doing something we enjoyed, seeing each other regularly. We start chatting about our workouts and getting comfortable with each other.

And look how that happened. We’re both doing something we enjoyed, seeing each other regularly. We started chatting about our workouts and getting comfortable with each other. Then someone extended an invitation. That’s something you can create opportunities for in your own life. Pick a class that meets every week, volunteer somewhere regularly, find a walking group or a recovery meeting you can return to. So you have a chance to recognize people and be recognized.

Because if you go somewhere once, don’t talk to anybody and leave saying, well, that didn’t work, what exactly did you give a chance to happen? You walked into a room full of strangers. It may take a few visits before you have someone to say hi to, and a few more before you have a conversation you want to continue. Give yourself and the people around you some time. Another girlfriend of mine I met in a tarot class.

I love all things, spirituality, the universe, the stars, the signs. And I had a growing curiosity about tarot. And I thought it’d be fun to learn more about it. And I am a person who literally wants to know everything. Like there’s almost nothing on the planet I don’t want to learn more about. So I found a class and I signed up.

Angela (17:29.238)
We sat next to each other every Sunday for six weeks. By the second or third week, we decided to get something to eat after class. Then we started doing that after every class. And now we’re fantastic friends. That friendship started because I followed my curiosity and actually signed up for something. So think about what interests you. What would you enjoy learning? What have you wanted to try? What’s something you used to love that you haven’t made time for?

And choose an activity that you will enjoy even if you don’t make a friend immediately, right? You’ll have a reason to go back. And while you’re there, you’ll be around people who share at least one of your interests.

Angela (18:16.346)
And if what you specifically need is sober friends, go where sober people gather. Recovery meetings, sober communities, alcohol-free activities. These give you an opportunity to meet people who understand that part of your life. There’s a lot of comfort being around people who get it, where you don’t have to explain why you aren’t drinking or wonder if you’re going to spend the whole night watching everyone else get drunk.

You can also make friends through your work, through gym, the classes.

You can also make friends through work or the gym, classes, other interests, other parents you meet through your kids’ events and sports and school things. Your social life can include people who don’t share your recovery experience, but still respect your sobriety completely.

Angela (19:11.97)
Think about what you want to spend time doing and who you enjoy doing it with. You’re building a life and there’s room for different people in it. Now, once you meet somebody you like, there’s another little step you have to take too. You know how I went from eye contact to hi and then a few words. Well, this is another version of that. You’ve had some conversations, you enjoy each other. Now you can give that connection somewhere to go.

With my gym friend, she invited me to breakfast. With my friend from Tarot, we decided to get food after class. You can do that too. Say to your person, hey, do you want to grab something to eat after class? Or when you’ve been talking for a few minutes and having some laughs, this has been really fun. We should grab coffee sometime. You’re suggesting a little more time together. You don’t have to figure out whether you’re gonna be friends for the next 30 years before you have breakfast.

And I know there’s some vulnerability there. You’re letting somebody know you like them without knowing exactly how they’ll respond. But the other person may be just as hesitant to ask you. And if you both are waiting for the other person to make a move, you could spend the next six months smiling at each other across the parking lot.

Angela (20:36.438)
And if both of you are waiting for the other person to make a move, you could spend the next six months smiling at each other across the fucking parking lot. Somebody has to offer the invitation. And if they can’t make it, give yourself a minute before you turn that into a story about how they don’t like you. People have schedules, kids, jobs, and things you don’t know about.

One declined invitation doesn’t tell you everything about how they feel. Listen, I’ve gone through a couple of years of life struggles that no one could see on the surface, and I declined a ton of invitations. Not because I didn’t want to go or I didn’t want to spend time with someone, but because I had health stuff going on and I had no energy, and my stress level was astronomical. Give people room to have their own stuff.

Without making it all about you. You can suggest another time or see if they offer one. If there’s consistently no interest or effort coming back, put your energy elsewhere. Friendship needs participation from both people.

I also want you to leave room for friendships that look different from one another. I’ve told you how much I value deep connection. I need people I can open up to and laugh with and people I feel safe letting into my bubble. I also value my gym friend. We enjoy each other. We have fun together. That friendship adds something good to my life. You may have someone you love walking with, someone you have breakfast with, someone you call when you’re having a hard day.

Some of those friendships may deepen over time. Others may stay centered on something you both enjoy. They all have value. If you expect every person you meet to immediately feel like your life

Angela (22:49.632)
If you expect every person you meet to immediately feel like your long-lost soul sister, you could overlook some really good connections. This was huge for me in early sobriety. I went to coffee and lunch and dinners after meetings with all kinds of people, most of them probably 20 or 30 years older than me. We don’t have to have every single lifestyle thing in common to enjoy a coffee and great conversation.

People are amazing and smart and funny, especially alcoholics. We are the most amazing and smart and funny. And I learned a lot from those coffees and lunches. We didn’t need to pledge our lifelong love for each other and exchange friendship bracelets.

Angela (23:41.08)
We didn’t need to pledge our lifelong love for each other and exchange friendship bracelets. We could still enjoy one another, spend a little time together, and learn from each other. Let yourself enjoy someone without deciding right away you need them to be your new BFF. And when you do find people you enjoy, make some room for them. Answer the message, follow up when you said you would, suggest a plan occasionally.

Let the other person know you want to spend time with them too. You can do that while respecting your limits. I’m still an introvert. I still need plenty of time at home. I hit a point where I am done being in public. Knowing that about myself helps me make plans I actually want to keep.

Angela (24:37.004)
Know yourself, right? You can meet one person instead of joining a large group. You can have breakfast after a class you’re already attending. You can spend an hour together and then go home. You don’t need to fill every empty space on your calendar. You do need to give friendship some space if you want it to grow. So let’s come back to the question how do you make friends when you don’t drink? Go where you have a chance to meet people.

Include sober spaces when you need that shared understanding and follow interests that put you around like-minded people. Keep going back. Give yourself time to become familiar with people instead of deciding after one anxiety-ridden visit that it didn’t work.

And if talking feels overwhelming, remember where I started. Eye contact. Then hi. Then good to see you. Choose something you’re willing to practice and build from there. When you meet someone you like, help the connection move forward. Offer an invitation, accept an invitation, and follow through. Let those friendships develop without expecting every person to become your closest friend.

That’s how you start creating a social life that fits you, one where you have people to laugh with, things to look forward to, or somewhere you feel like you belong. You can be an introvert and have that. You can love your alone time and have that, but you have to participate in building it. This week, choose one step and follow through. If you’ve been avoiding every opportunity to meet people, choose somewhere to go. If you’re already going but hiding in your corner,

Practice letting someone see you. If you found someone you enjoy, ask them to grab coffee. Make your next step specific enough that you know whether you’ve done it. And if you’re looking for a place to start connecting with other people in sobriety, that’s part of why I created Sober Society. It gives you a place to show up regularly and get to know people who are also building their lives without alcohol. And when you join, give us a chance to get to know you.

Angela (26:58.51)
Come to a meeting, say hi, respond to someone in the community and keep coming back. And you’ll also have the member hub where we work on the everyday challenges of building a life you enjoy without alcohol. You can learn more about sober society membership at addictionunlimited.com forward slash membership. That link is always in the show notes. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash membership.

I know how much easier it can feel to stay in your own little world, but I also know what it meant to walk into a room I used to be terrified of and hear somebody say my name. Give yourself a chance to have that feeling. And then afterward, you can go home and put on your sweatpants.

Angela (27:50.806)
And remember too, if you want help with all of these things, all of these changes, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, if you’re done screwing around with trying and you’re ready to actually make some progress and have some support and have people to laugh with.

Book a call to talk about us working together. You know, we’ll see if we’re a good fit. And if we are, we can get started immediately. I actually have, I think I have two openings for private coaching right now. And you can book a call with me at addictionunlimited.com forward slash call. That link is always in the show notes and always in your weekly podcast emails if you’re on my email list. Addictionunlimited.com forward slash call.

I love you guys. I want you to have so many friends you don’t know what to do with all of them. And to do that, we have to be a little braver and step up and step into our lives and do what we have to do to create those friendships and those spaces.

Angela (28:58.508)
I hope you’re having a fantastic day, and I will see you next week.